Suffering In Silence

Have you ever been told that you are being too quiet?

That you don’t interact much with others often? Or you might be on the other side of the table… are you looking at a friend or relative, realizing that they aren’t being themselves? Are they being extra quiet and secluded? If you answered yes to any of these questions, let me share with you my experience.
As most of you can tell from my writing, I’m very blunt and sarcastic; I like to make people laugh. However, that’s not always the case, especially lately.

I’ve been quiet lately

I’ve been a bit quiet here recently and haven’t really wanted to converse with others on the phone or in person. While I hope that those close to me don’t take it personally, it’s something that is hard to explain.
I’ve been extremely stressed lately, more than ‘normal’. It’s almost like a brain overload, where I can’t take any more things going on, and I go into self-preservation mode. Picture a robot that is on and is being active/mobile. Then, all of a sudden, things go crazy around it, and it powers down… that’s how I feel.

I feel like I’ve switched on my ‘power down’ button

I feel like I’ve switched on my ‘power down’ button, to keep myself safe and sane. I’m sure I or someone else has gone over a topic in relation to this before, but I felt like I needed to revisit it. Things change and how we cope with situations can also change. If you were looking at me right now, you wouldn’t ‘see’ anything wrong with me, physically.

THE SADNESS OF FORMER FRIENDS

In recent times, I’ve found myself making some rough decisions when it’s come to friendships. Creating and maintaining friendships while suffering from Multiple Sclerosis can be extremely difficult, enough that I’ve spoken before about how MS can turn friends into strangers and strangers into friends. While it’s common for people to discuss how they’ve lost friends because of their disease, we don’t often speak about consciously removing friends from our lives for the same reason. I have found myself talking to certain friends less and even unfollowing them on social media of late because seeing and hearing about their lives saddens me.

The life I expected to live

Who am I talking about? The friends that are always taking trips, that are always out, that are starting or having families. The ones whose lives are going the way I thought and hoped my life would go. For a while, I admit, I experienced feelings of jealousy. I’m not proud of that, but I admit it. I was jealous that longtime friends were living the life I expected to live. I was jealous that they still had their careers, that they could go and enjoy a baseball game on a hot, sunny afternoon, that they travel, and date, and do everything without the giant weight of an incurable illness weighing them down. I was happy for them, but I was also jealous. I desired what they had so very much.

Busy Being Sick

“He doesn’t work, he looks fine, I wonder what he does all day?” That’s a question I’m sure people have often asked or at least thought about me the past few years. I would probably wonder the same if I didn’t know me. Sometimes, I think the people that do know me wonder that as well. Honestly, as time passes, I’ve caught myself thinking that, too – What do I do? What have I been doing? Well, when I’ve thought about it, I’ve been busy being sick. Many people have a hard time understanding that having a chronic illness can actually be a full time job.

What if we just chill?

Recently when I had to, yet again, bail on plans, I had a friend say they’d come over and just chill with me on the couch instead… to which I said I couldn’t. I think they were perplexed and even a little offended that I said no to the offer. While there are times that might work out, the truth of the matter, is that when I cancel on something or say I can’t come out, I’m not just sitting at home laying on the couch watching TV like a grade schooler who stayed home sick for the day. There may be moments that are like that, but when I bail on plans or otherwise say I can’t come out, it’s not exactly that much of a picnic. Generally, wherever I am (bed or the couch), I’m likely struggling to get comfortable, moving from spot to spot. Alternating twisting and turning, sitting and standing, trying to somehow to get relief as pain and spasms shoot through my body.  If that’s not the case, I’m likely fatigued, which is not the same as tired. It literally becomes hard to move, hard to speak, hard to make it to the restroom or even change the channel. I may not have those issues the entire time, or I might, it’s unpredictable. Point is, I’m not exactly good company to others. I also feel pretty awkward with others seeing me like that.