Monday, October 29, 2018

Target On My Back

Most of my symptoms are invisible. I do, however, have one symptom that likes to come out at the most inopportune times. This symptom is something that comes and goes. It’s something I’ve written about in the past as well. I’ve been so relieved that it has been pretty much nonexistent for the past 2 years, but it has resurfaced, and its back with a vengeance. This symptom is my tremor. It is my worst and most embarrassing symptom. The others are invisible and easy to hide. But, not this one. With my tremor, I feel like there is a target on my back saying, “Hey, look at what’s wrong with me today.” It’s the worst. Period.

Not your typical tremor

My tremor isn’t your typical tremor. It’s not just my hands. In fact, a lot of the time it’s not in my hands at all. Most of the time it’s my head. And, it’s not always a steady shake, sometimes it’s almost like a tick. My head will move back and forth or side to side. Any time that I’m stressed, anxious, or feeling overwhelmed my tremor shows itself. And every time it’s present, it’s all I can focus on. And, in my mind, I’m absolutely confident it’s all everyone around me can focus on too. In the past, my tremor was much more severe. But now it’s back, and while I’m thankful it’s not as severe this time, that doesn’t change the fact that it is still affecting me.

Monday, October 8, 2018

I’m Stronger Because of MS

You know what they say, “You never know how strong you really are until being strong is your only option.” That’s a saying I use a lot when it comes to living with Multiple Sclerosis.

Before I was diagnosed with MS, I felt like I was a strong individual and that I could take on anything… a bit cocky I’d admit. Then came the diagnosis of MS with a horrible flare and I was lost. I wasn’t strong, I was weak and devastated and depressed.

I didn’t know how to move on

It took me a bit; I had a period of time where I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to do anything and I was pushing those closest to me away. I don’t think it’s because I didn’t WANT to move on, but it’s because I didn’t know HOW to.

Could I just go back to life before diagnosis?

Could I just go back to my ‘normal’ life of how I was before I got diagnosedand had a flare that left me with major hurdles I had to climb over? Would I ever even be able to walk again, talk correctly again, just be the Ashley that I had been again? It took a lot for me to just get out of bed, but I did. Day by day, I started to get that fight back in me, the will to keep going. Because let me tell you, I was in a VERY dark place after I was diagnosed. I was at a point where I didn’t know if I wanted to live the rest of my life like this.